Whew!

Gosh, it's been a while! I've been extremely busy with boys, husbands, housework, and summer frivolities.

As I mentioned in my last post, I canceled my Weight Watchers membership to save some money. I was originally planning on flying solo with it, but I've decided to focus more on exercise and eating fresh, natural foods.

My husband is planning on joining the US Navy in a few months. He's been going to the gym faithfully for the past couple months, and I'm starting to notice a difference. *insert cat calls here* Since he's getting on the Move More bandwagon, I decided to put more focus into losing weight through daily exercise.

I've done pretty well. I started a routine, and I think I actually stand a chance of sticking to it. I have some DVDs I'm following, and I've been walking in the park when it's not too hot. I feel pretty good after working out. It really helps my energy level and moodiness. I think this will really be a good thing.

I'm Back!

I don't know where I went, but I haven't written here in a couple weeks. I've barely had time to turn around it seems. With one child having speech therapy twice a week and the other getting into everything, in addition to being very needy, I don't have as much time for the internet.

Anyway, dieting is going so-so. I'm not doing the best job of tracking my points, but I'm still making some healthier choices. I doubt I'm losing weight, though. I haven't had time to go to meetings.

I'll continue more on this later. Stay tuned!

2.6 more pounds lost!

Woohoo!! ::happy dance::

It was a such a great feeling to hear that today, especially after a rough couple of weeks. Apparently, some of my healthy habits really did stick, and I must have followed them subconsciously. I really needed this encouraging loss to give me that extra boost to keep going. :)

Beating myself up now.

So, I've had a few rough weeks. We were all sick for several days, then I got mastitis, and I've been on what seems like a never ending round of PMS for weeks. The stress got to me, and I caved.

I just logged in my points for the day on the Points Tracker. I went over my daily points by 18, and I didn't have any weekly points left. I'm 18 in the hole.

I'm so pissed at myself right now, I could just scream. Why is this so hard? Why am I suddenly craving all this food, and why am I unable to stop myself? How did I do so well for 3 weeks, only to turn back on all the good habits I had made? What the heck happened?!

Ugh. I'm so disgusted with myself. I feel so lost with all of this. I don't even know how to start again, and such a big part of me keeps telling me that I don't need to. There's that little voice that's telling me - nay, screaming at me - to get back up and dust myself off. I'm trying so hard to find the courage to believe that I can, and, more importantly, that I want to.

I've made up my mind that, come hell or high water, I'm going to a Weight Watchers meeting tomorrow night. I think that will really reset my frame of mind for weight loss and healthy eating. I'm hoping.

Gah. I can't believe I got sucked back into this place. I just hope I can get out.

Sigh.

Well, I'm on my first day back counting points. Since our entire family got the horrible stomach virus, I've basically been completely ignoring my points and eating pretty horribly. Today has been much better, and I'm hoping I can keep it up from here. I really hate having to pick myself up after a little slump, but I know I can do it.

Ugh. Bad Week.

We (the entire family) contracted the stomach virus from Hades last week. It was a blur of constant diaper changes, trips to the bathroom, and Gatorade - lots of Gatorade. But alas, we made it through.

My new, healthy diet, on the other hand, didn't really make it to the other side. I was doing so well, and now, I'm having the hardest time sticking to it. After several days of consuming nothing but sports drink, I was craving comfort food - fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, Southern-style green beans, biscuits, and sweet tea. That was my first real meal after the plague ran its course. It was more than a dietary indulgence - it was medicine. It was as if I needed it to get well, and I think I did need it, in a way.

Problem is, I can't seem to get back on the wagon. I just don't have my energy back yet, and I know that eating well will help restore it, but I'm having a hard time forcing myself to prepare food. I just want to order take out, or have Tim bring some food home from work (diets are always harder to stick to when your husband works at a restaurant). I feel like I'm dragging, all day. I'm constantly tired. It doesn't help that I'm PMSing, either.

I'm planning to start fresh tomorrow. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that both boys are reasonably well behaved so I can have that extra time to fix some healthy meals. I have to get back on track. I have to.

Moving More

When I typed this title, I was reminded of a MadTV skit. Just for laughs:



Seriously, though. Moving more seems to be the hardest part of this process for me. I'm a stay-at-home mom with two children under 3, so I do a fair amount of moving in a day. Even so, part of the new lifestyle I'm working toward involves more activity. For me, that means getting out, going for walks, riding a bike, maybe a short hike, even. I love nature, and being outside makes me feel healthy and alive, especially on a sunny day. I love getting exercise in one of its most natural forms - exploring the world we live in. It doesn't feel like exercise when the activity has a purpose other than fat-burning. Taking a walk while catching up with a friend, hiking to a beautiful waterfall, or walking just to get from Point A to Point B are all exercise, but it's sort of masked by another goal - hanging out with a buddy, exploring nature, or basic travel on foot. Somehow, that makes it easier for me.

Having two children, though, makes it harder. If you have young children, I probably don't have to tell you how much of a hassle it is to pack up a spirited 3-year-old and a 10-month-old in the car, stuff the double stroller into the trunk, drive to the park, unpack and assemble said stroller, and insert children. It may not sound that hard to some of you. You'll just have to take my word for it.

I've tried walking in our apartment complex, but it's very small, and the sidewalks end in weird places, forcing me to walk in the parking lot. It's not conducive to walking for exercise, although it can be done, I know. I'd walk through the surrounding neighborhood, but we live on a street that has no sidewalks, and most cars that use it seem to think it's an Autobahn of sorts.

For now, I'm just going to have to make in-home exercise work, with the occasional walk in the park. Exercise in my house is certainly better than no exercise at all.

One Pound Lost!

I weighed in today, and I'm down a pound! Woohoo!!

I know it's not much, but I'll take it. I'm really feeling good about this now. I feel like it's actually working, and I'm falling into a good routine that really seems to be working, both on the scale in my basic day-to-day schedule.

For breakfast, I had a banana and an apple. For lunch, I had a Smart One's chicken quesadilla from the freezer, since I was in a bit of a rush on my way to the Weight Watchers meeting. For my pre-dinner, of sorts, I'm having a turkey sandwich with some Activia Light vanilla yogurt and a stick of low-fat mozzarella string cheese. I still have 17 points left for the day, and I'm not quite sure exactly what my dinner will be - I'm thinking maybe some whole wheat pasta tossed with veggies, olive oil, and a little low-fat feta cheese.

Compared to my pre-Weight Watchers daily food intake, this is incredible. I probably would've skipped breakfast. On some days, depending on how much extra money we had, lunch would've been fast food, with large fries and a large Coke. On others, it might be leftovers with out-of-control portion sizes - two full plates of chicken casserole, or maybe two peanut butter and honey sandwiches, or even three bowls of cereal. Of course, I'd be drinking crazy amounts of Coke in accordance with any of those options.

My biggest victories thus far are 1) reducing the amount of Coke I drink, and 2) incorperating whole, fresh foods into my diet, thus reducing my intake of unhealthy processed foods.

I'm feeling good about this. Real good.

One Week Later

Things are going pretty well. I'm doing much better at replacing higher-calorie, processed foods with fresh fruits and veggies, and I'm limiting my Coke intake by a ton. I have one 12 ounce bottle every day, which is 3 points. I buy them in 8 packs, and I put one bottle in the fridge at night so it will be cold for the next day. That way, I'm less tempted to drink more than one, since the others won't be cold. Tim came up with that idea (thanks, baby!)

I'm going to miss my second meeting and weigh-in tonight since I don't have a sitter, but I'm planning to make it up tomorrow. I'm honestly not feeling very optimistic about my weight right now. I don't feel like that number on the scale is going to be any different when I weigh in, and sometimes, I'm afraid it'll actually be higher. I'm staying within my points, and I'm making healthier choices, so I'm telling myself that the number on the scale is not the most important part of this.

I'm also not drinking as much water as I was the first few days, and I think that's probably why I'm not feeling quite as healthy as I was. I left mt water bottle at my parents house. That's no excuse, I know, but it really helps me keep up my water intake.

Well, that about covers it for now. I'll update again after my weigh-in tomorrow!

My First Weight Watchers Meeting

I finally went to my first meeting! It was very inspiring. I really liked the leader, and the group seemed really nice. I ran into my friend Rachel's mom, so I even found someone I know. Of course, I'm a raging ball of hormones right now, so I teared up just about every time someone shared a success story or celebrated a new milestone with the group. I was able to keep my composure, for the most part.

I've talked a little about my actual weight in some of my past entries. I'm not 100% sure what I weighed when I started counting points, but I believe it was near the 270 mark. I remembered being weighed (at a medical facility on a good scale), and it was 270-something, but I can't remember the something - maybe 274? I knew I had gotten up to 279 at one point, but I just wasn't sure what exactly it was the last time I was weighed, so I put 270 as my starting weight when I signed up online for the Weight Watchers Monthly Pass.

I was hoping to be 269, maybe, just so I could have that extra boost of confidence knowing that I was in the 260's and not the 270's, but I knew I would be okay, even if it wasn't. I weighed in at 270.4, so I'm really close to breaking into the 260's once again, and I feel good about that. I'm also pretty sure that I weighed about 4 or 5 pounds more the last time I was weighed, so I believe I've actually lost some weight - another feel-good thing.

My short-term goal right now is to be 5 pounds lighter at my next meeting. I'm planning to check the mail by walking to the mailbox everyday (instead of hitting it as I drive by), and I'm planning to squeeze a walk in during the evenings, even if I just walk around the apartment complex.

On another note, I did have two Whatchamacallit bars when I was out shopping. They were by the register, and the cashier was promoting them (apparently, they're having a contest to see who can sell the most), so I decided to go ahead and get them. I don't necessarily feel super guilty about having them, since I made sure to subtract them from my points (12 points!!), but I know it wasn't the best use of them. I don't really make a regular habit of eating candy anyway since it hurts my teeth, so this was a pretty rare occurrence overall. I'm trying not to beat myself up over it. I've still come a long way in a short time, and I know I can go further.

It's Been One Week

I'm really starting to get into the habit of making healthier choices, and I'm incorporating a lot more fruits and veggies into my diet. I've cut waaaaaay down on the amount of Coke I drink, too, and I've added a lot more water. I'm trying to add more exercise to my daily ritual as well, but I just now got access to a vehicle that I can use when Tim has the car (yes, Matt, I'm using your car while you're in basic training), and I have yet to put the boys' car seats in it. I'm going to do that tonight, though, and I'll be ready to roll in the morning.

I've made official plans to attend my first Weight Watchers meeting tomorrow night, where I hope I'll find encouraging news about my current weight. I can't remember exactly what my weight was last time I was weighed, but it was around 270 (maybe 274, even). I'm hoping to be somewhere around 269. If I'm in the 260's, I just know I'll feel pretty good, but if I'm not, I'll be okay. I'll use it as fuel to work harder.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this!

Not My Best Day - Not My Worst, Either

It did well at the beginning of the day today, but I fell off the wagon, ever so slightly this evening. I was starving. I had 20 points left, and I ate a bunch of lasagna, without even bothering to check the points. I don't think I went way over my daily points, but the fact that I ate without thinking just seemed like a bad sign to me. Eating without thinking has been one of my biggest problems. I'd eat and eat and eat while doing mundane tasks, hardly realizing that I was putting food in my mouth. Being attentive to my eating habits is one of the things I have to change to make this work, and I completely bailed on that. I just piled that lasagna on my plate. I was so unhappy at that moment. I felt like I failed a little, but I was so tired of eating healthy food in healthy portions. I just wanted to binge, and I did.

::Sigh::

This is going to be hard.

My Before Picture

Let me say a few words about my Before Picture, and why it's so important to me.

Over the years, I've seen hundreds of weight loss infomercials, advertisements for exercise machines, talk show segments, and magazine articles with Before and After Pictures. I started noticing a trend among those pictures - the Before Pictures tend to be the most unflattering portrayal of any human being possible. There are exceptions, of course, but I'm talking about the Before Pictures of people wearing their underwear or an ill-fitted bathing suit - sometimes they're in a spandex workout getup. They're standing awkwardly with their arms hanging limply by their side, the lighting is atrocious, and their face just screams "please, let me die now".

I mean no offense to anyone who's taken a Before Picture like this, but I will not be following suit. I decided a while ago that I wanted my Before Picture to reflect a positive attitude toward the start of a new life - not a negative image that seemingly portrays sadness and defeat (again, nothing against those who have taken such a Before Picture; everyone has a different path to weight loss).

I don't pose for full-body shots very often, for obvious reasons, but I knew I wanted the most flattering, yet accurately portrayed Before Picture that I could muster, and in order to do so, it would have to be full-length. Aside from adding a frame to the picture, it has not been retouched in any way. This is definitely not the best picture of me that's ever been taken, but the most important qualities are there - I'm in a sunny, beautiful place where I'm always happy (the park), I'm wearing a somewhat flattering outfit, and I put makeup on and fixed my hair (which I'm sure a professional in the field of cosmetology would have a few things to fix there, but I did my best).

I know there's a lot of room for improvement, but here it is:



And, if you like the retouched, prettied-up, airbrushed, smoke-and-mirrors close up of the face, here's one for you, just for fun:



I'll be posting several After Pictures along the way, hopefully very soon. Thanks for reading!

Day 3, Going Strong-ish

The dieting hasn't been super easy - I've had a lot of midnight cravings. I've dipped into my weekly points a bit, but I'm still making healthier choices. I ate some carrot sticks last night, and I've been drinking a lot of water. I've really cut down on the amount of Coke I drink. I had 16 ounces yesterday and the day before, which is great compared to the daily 2-liter I used to guzzle. I've found that I don't crave Coke nearly as much when I keep up my water intake.

I'm proud of myself for the changes I've made thus far, even if they're small. I'm starting a healthier lifestyle, and that's good.

I took the boys out for a walk in the park with our double stroller. I got quite a workout, between the brisk walk and pushing the weight of two kids. I'm hoping to make this a daily routine. We all had a lot of fun, and the weather was gorgeous.

Thanks for reading! Have a great day!

First day of Weight Watchers!

Today is my first official day following my Weight Watchers plan! ::cheers::

So far, it's going pretty well. I haven't reached my real craving time yet, though, which is late night. I have some carrots, which I hope will get me through. I may incorporate a little bit of olive oil (a la the Shangri-La diet) to help curb hunger attacks and cravings.

Anyway, I feel like I've done pretty well so far. I made some healthy choices when I had less healthy alternatives. We dropped by Chick-fil-A earlier today, and I ordered fruit with my meal instead of fries. That's a pretty big step for me, even though we don't really eat out much. When we do, though, I tend to indulge, and I made a healthy choice. I feel good about that.

I also chose a small drink, Coke, which I recorded in my Points tracker, and I filled up my water bottle so I can sip while I type. I'm also working to curb one of my worst habits - fridge sipping. That's what I call it, anyway. I'll stand at the fridge, grab a bottle (be it juice, coke, or milk), and take a few swigs. Instead of doing this, I make sure to grab a glass and actual measure out how much I'm drinking and record it properly.

Speaking of the Points tracker, I am loving this thing. It's such an easy way of keeping track of my points, and they have everything in their food listing. I was able to find all of the Chick-fil-A foods that I ate today, and it had all the point values already programed in there. It's awesome!

The Points tracker also has a recipe builder, so you can plug in all the ingredients of a dish that you make yourself, and it helps you figure out the point value. This thing is the coolest.

In conclusion, Day 1 is going pretty well so far. I'm hoping that I can keep up the good work through my midnight craving time.

Thanks for reading!

I did it.

I joined Weight Watchers! I just need to print out my monthly pass and take it to my meeting.

This is probably the biggest step I've made so far. I'm really excited, nervous, anxious, and hopeful. I really needed to do this. I'm so glad I finally got over that hurdle and just did it.

Working on a Plan

I'm desperately trying to come up with a decent plan for getting healthy and fit. I've mustered up the fortitude to get going, and now I need to figure out how I'm actually going to do it. Heh.

I have limited funds to work with, so I'm really only going to be able to put money into one of two things - diet (like Weight Watchers) or exercise (a gym membership). I would love some been-there-done-that feedback in this area, also.

I'm really in need of extra motivation and accountability, and WW would definitely provide that with the meetings. I don't think I would get the same accountability with a gym membership, unless I actually had meetings with a personal trainer, which I doubt I'd be able to afford. Based on that, I'm leaning in the WW direction.

My other option would be a gym membership, which I would have to keep up with on my own, and I would do the free version of WW, which I would also have to keep up with on my own. I wish I could say that the money for the gym membership would be motivation enough for me to keep going, but I really doubt that it would, unfortunately. However, I don't just want to lose weight - I want to get fit. I want to tone and strengthen my body, and WW focuses more on developing healthy eating habits and not so much on exercise. I really need both.

I do have an option C that might work: I could start the WW paid program, and as a form of exercise, I could purchase a DVD workout program, like Yoga Booty Ballet, or something in that vein. Honestly, I'm leaning toward this option.

I don't want to bite off more than I can chew, though. I'm afraid that taking on too much at once will overwhelm me, and I'll end up giving up, so I've thought of just picking one and seeing how it goes before I add the other to it. Right now, it's looking like the WW program will be the best option to start with, and working out will be limited to daily brisk walks in the park.

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading!

Beginning "The After"

I haven't always struggled with my weight. I was a pretty average kid - although I was taller and broader in the shoulders. I was never skinny, though.

I started gaining weight during my senior year of high school, after I started taking antidepressants. I gained weight rapidly, jumping as much as 15 pounds in two weeks. I was just over 200 pounds by the time I turned 19.

My weight steadied after I weaned off the meds, but I started having some mental and emotional issues again, and I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 when I was 21. I began taking a new regimen of prescription medications - 6, to be exact. I ballooned up to 250.

When I was 22, I got pregnant with my oldest son, Jett. By the time he was a month old, I was happily 230 - a lovely 20 pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight. I thought that this weight loss could be the beginning of a whole new road for me. I felt great! I was fitting into clothes that I hadn't worn for years. People were commenting on how great I looked. I had this incredible energy - probably a bit of a new baby bliss, combined with the thrill of losing weight. I felt like I could really do this - I could really make some changes.

I forgot about one thing, though - making those positive changes. My weight loss was largely due to fluid loss. I retained a lot of fluid during the end of my pregnancy due to PIH (pregnancy induced hypertension), and the fluid kept coming off for a few weeks after he was born. I had gestational diabetes during pregnancy, so I followed a very strict carb-controlled diet during pregnancy. Once he was born, I compensated for months of restraint by drinking all the Coke I could handle and eating potatoes and other carbs like they were going out of style. In addition to this poor diet, I wasn't really exercising regularly, even though I did have all this extra energy. I was also, once again, taking an antidepressant, which has proven in the past to contribute to my weight gain. So, I regained it all, and then some. By Jett's first birthday, I was 270 pounds - the very same weight I was in my 39th week of pregnancy.

I stayed around that weight until I got pregnant with our second boy, Dax. Now, 9 months after his birth, I'm once again hovering around the 270 mark (although I haven't weighed myself in a few weeks).

I can't remember how many times I've had these epiphanies over the past few years. I'll lay in bed crying, telling myself that tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow, I'll finally join Weight Watchers, or Curves, or something. I'll vow to make those changes and lose the weight. A lot of my chronic pain issues will be drastically reduced, or maybe even eliminated. My migraines might be less frequent. I might even see my mental and emotional issues get better in the process. I'll have the energy to play with my kids, and I'll set a good example for them and teach them healthy lifestyle habits. I'll add years to my life so I might get to see my grandchildren grow up.

Then, tomorrow comes, and I throw it all away. I tell myself that it's just too hard right now. I have too much on my plate, what with a nursing 9 month old and an almost 3 year old with speech delays. I'll wait until life "slows down" a little bit.

Well, I think I'm finally getting ready to do this, and I'm hoping that keeping up this blog will help me. I'm asking you, my reader/s - whoever you are and however few you are - to help me by reading my blog and commenting when you can. I think that accountability is a big part of this. I'm hoping that if I know people will read and follow here, I'll have some extra incentive to keep it up.

I'll be adding more about my specific methods in later posts. Thanks for reading, and please do keep coming back.